guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
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Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.