You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
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If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Um … Hot Wings please
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Unimpressed
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Double negatives are never not confusing.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.