SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
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me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.