Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
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I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.