People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
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Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.