Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
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WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Lmao the reply
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
normalize having existential bread
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.