“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
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BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast