Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
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Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Nice try Hitler
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”