I put the hot in psychotic.
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wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom