Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
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but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Last-minute gift idea!
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…