I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
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them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…