Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
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I’m a bad influence on myself.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?