I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
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*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
oh my gosh!!
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
step 6: release the wall snake
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?