“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
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me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.