Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
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My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
who wore it better?
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them