My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
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They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.