Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
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“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift