Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
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My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
the three branches of government
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.