Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
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When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Was it something I said?
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
you gotta be faster
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel