Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
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[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.