Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
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I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.