the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
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The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Love is always patient and kind.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.