What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
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My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.