the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
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i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.