*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
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I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
These are too funny not to post 😂
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay