Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
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jesus christ confetti not now
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Roses are red, you always mattered,
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day