You Might Also Like
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”