My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
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“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*