Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
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Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
I have never related to a cat more
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha