Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
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PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
remember
only for emergencies
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay