Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
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Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.