Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
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If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Super Hand Dog Face
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?