I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
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My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman