ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
You Might Also Like
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.