Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
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Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Tell the colonel to bring it
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.