Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
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“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie