My whole life was a lie.
You Might Also Like
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
When I snag the last meatball.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high