My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
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Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)