the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
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My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
*praying for world peace*
God:
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”