Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
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I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Said the murderer.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.