Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
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Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.