Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
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HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]