Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
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[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Hey Fugeddaboutit
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Covid like
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
he chose this
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.