People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
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[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.