My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
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Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Hey I worked for it too!
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.