Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
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*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.