witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
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a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.