me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
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Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.