ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
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*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!