You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
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[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having